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Your Voice in Israel: The Global Zionist Caucus
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Purim Spoof 2020

Your Voice in Israel: The Global Zionist Caucus

A guide to unusual slates in the forthcoming Zionist elections.

(Flickr Commons)
(Flickr Commons)

Every five years Jews have the opportunity to vote for delegates to the
Protocols of the Global Zionist Caucus, which some call the “parliament of the Jewish people” and others call “that thing my rabbi tells me to vote for.”

Delegates to the GZC meet to spend nearly $1 billion in other people’s money and decide the agenda for a range of historic but opaque Jewish groups, like the Israel Agency for Jews, the Jews’ Agency for Israelis, the World Jewish Agency, the Congress of Jewish Agencies, and Temple Ain Kmo Bamba in Skokie, Illinois.

In addition to slates representing the major Jewish denominations, like Conservative Judaism’s MERCAZ USA, and storied Zionist movements, like Herut USA, there are a host of smaller, interesting slates. Here’s a peek:

Am Haaretz: The Coalition Protecting the Rights of the Marginally Informed

Deconstructing Judaism: The Zionist Party That Questions the Mute Irony and Inaudible Misplacement of Meaning. With Guitars.

Israel Keanu: Jewish Life for Fans of “John Wick,” “The Matrix” and Especially “Speed”

Oy Vey Tzion: The Anxious Ashkenazi Zionist Organization

MERCEDES USA: The Voice of Jews Who Drive German Cars

Torah Torah Torah: The Slate With All the Answers

Aggressive Israel Slate: Violently Demanding a Peace Process since 1990

Hamikvah: The Immersive Zionists of America

Hirsute Zionists: A Land Without a People for a People with Copious Back Hair

The If You Will It, It Is No Dream Team: A coalition of the Zionist Amalgamation of America,  American Friends of a Secure Israel, Israeli Friends of a Distraught America,  sawyouatsinai.com, Russ & Daughters, Rabbis Without Boundaries, Bend the Arc, Bury the Hatchet, Make My Day, Save the Liver, Bring Out Your Dead, and viewers like you.

Kars4Kids4Israel: For the love of Israel — please stop singing that song!

Kale Yisrael: 21st-Century Zionism for Vegans

Shas Salami: 14th-Century Judaism for Carnivores

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