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What Happens When a Dating Columnist Has No Dates?

What Happens When a Dating Columnist Has No Dates?

You know the Dylan song, You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go?

That’s how I feel about my dog, Mister Trevor.

"Situations have ended sad
Relationships have all been bad
Mine’ve been like Verlaine’s and Rimbaud
But there’s no way I can compare
All those scenes to this affair
Yer gonna make me lonesome when you go."

My Pickle.

Nine years together already with ye olde cranky pants himself. The dog with the perfect physique! The scholar and genius in one!

Even when he’s giving me the finger, even when he’s so smoking mad steam is coming out of his extra tall ears – like when I gave a deep tissue massage to Talullah the dog (may her memory be for a blessing). And still. Just being away from him for one minute makes me heart ache with sadness. How I love my Trevor!

Are your eyes glazing over? Thinking my friend was onto something when she said on behalf of all of our friends: "When Abby starts talking about Trevor you know the conversation is over."

Wondering why I’m even bringing up The Pickle at all?

Because I’m the dating columnist without any dates, that’s why! That’s like a poet without a muse, people! Or Hugh Hefner without his bunnies!

You see, I finally put my money where my mouth is and just said no to all the frantic dating. I even did what I kept pretending to do all along and took myself off the dating sites.

And guess what happened? Nothing, that’s what.

Because despite popular sentiment that the minute you take a rest, your beloved will come crashing down from the heavens, what actually happens is you find yourself completely… alone.

All that peddling, all that hustling online, all that pulling up strangers by their lapels and demanding that they send over a man? Well. The minute all that evaporates the anti-climactic discovery is a big ole nothing.

So which is better?

The feverish publicity campaign to land me a man or the quiet that descends when I press the "pause" button?

Which is another way of saying, which is worse?

All I know is right now it’s just me and Mr. T.

Unless someone wants to step up to the plate and ask me out?

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