Washington – President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu held a joint press conference today to announce that they will join in a major military offensive against nuclear sites in Iran on May 28, the day before pop star Madonna is scheduled to perform in Tel Aviv.
“We’ve had our differences over peace talks, borders and other minor issues,” Obama explained. “But in our meetings here this week we discovered that we both are violently opposed to Madonna’s music and message, and felt that a full-scale attack on Iran would be the least we could do to forestall the aging singer’s upcoming performance in Israel.
“There is no daylight between us on this issue,” he added.
(The president, seeking Jewish votes in an election year, noted that a genealogical search he recently undertook found that his family’s roots are in Israel, based in B’nai Barack.)
Asked if the two leaders and their national security experts were prepared for the imminent retaliation that is sure to come, Netanyahu said that very point was discussed for hours and the joint conclusion was that it was worth it.
“We know she has millions of loyal fans who will be upset if her show is canceled,” he said. “But Barack and I see eye to eye on this one.”
When reporters countered that they were referring to retaliation by Tehran, Obama seemed startled before replying: “Oh that…well, let’s take one crisis at a time.”
As for the attack itself, the two leaders said it would begin on May 28 at 7 a.m. Jerusalem time – Iran uses sundials only – and consist of a barrage from Israel’s new Burkha Buster Clusters designed to remove women’s head coverings, causing chaos and confusion throughout the country, followed by American warships in the Gulf launching Flying Pigs aimed at numerous holy places, since Muslims are forbidden to come into contact with pork.
Arab states in the region condemned the planned attack, but privately praised Washington and Jerusalem. “May Allah bless their hands in weakening the meshuganehs in Tehran,” said a Sunni spokesman. “All I can say is that if they got their hands on a nuclear bomb, holy Shi’te for all of us.”