Trump Taps Mussolini As Running Mate
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Trump Taps Mussolini As Running Mate

Trumpville, Florida — Donald Trump announced today that Benito Mussolini, the fascist leader of Italy for two decades during the early 20th century, will be his vice presidential candidate this November.

“He made the trains run on time and had great style, real flair, nice boots, quite a guy,” Trump told a throng of supporters near his new Florida apartment-gym-and-garden complex, Trump Towers and Showers and Flowers. He also announced his newest Trump product, a spray tan, and boasted: “Obama was our first black president. I’ll be our first orange president.”

Discussing his vice presidential pick, Trump said: “I’ll be honest with you, I thought about running with Sarah Palin, she’s kinda sassy and brassy and she’s got, you know, big numbers – you can check the polls. And then there’s Hulk Hogan, great guy, major statesman, now able to make a big contribution. And of course there’s Kim Kardashian – would love to probe her domestic policies. But Il Duce is in his own league. Big fan. Huuuuge.”

Trump said that, several months ago, after he Tweeted a favorite Mussolini adage, “It’s better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep,” he was criticized for citing the Italian dictator. “But I looked into it and was impressed with his work and great uniform. People say he gave fascism a bad name, but he was a real leader. Believe me. You can check the polls.

Trump said he has improved on Mussolini’s slogan, and will produce it as a campaign bumper sticker: “It’s better to live 100 years lyin’ than a day as Bo Beep.”

“You figure it out,” he told the crowd with a shrug.

When fact-checkers from the media noted that Mussolini was executed in 1945, Trump said that would not be a problem. “I do most of the campaigning and speaking and inciting anyway,” he said, “and I don’t really believe anything the press tells me. You can check the polls.”

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