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Internet Dating: The Secret To Staying Single Forever

Internet Dating: The Secret To Staying Single Forever

Why did no one tell me about Edna O’Brien?

I’m lapping up Girls in their Married Bliss after finding it on the five-shekel rack at my favorite used bookstore.

Which is another way of saying, Why can’t I just stay home and read books? Why must I endlessly search for a husband when I should be lying prone on the snake chair reading? Particularly because I happen to be lousy at the former and so very talented at the later?

Which is another way of saying: I’m no good at dating in the modern world!

"There is this new dating thingy on Facebook called, ‘Are You Interested?’” I informed a friend at work.

I had just been tipped off by a 20-something single gal so I figured it had to be au courant, if you know what I mean.

"The application?" asked my friend, using a word that I avoid like the plague because it is meaningless to me. "That’s not new, silly!"

So how is it that everyone knew about this Facebook dating "app" way before me? And how does it work, exactly?

Because as far as I can tell, the whole experience is just an exercise in Attention Deficit Disorder.

Which is another way of saying that now that I’ve found it, and have been sorting through profiles of man after man after man, it just confirms to me online dating is so disorienting and so distracting that finding real love and partnership seem very remote, indeed.

Yet, what are the alternatives? No one ever knows anyone single so that is why I keep returning to the internet for love.

And “Are You Interested?” is a particularly unfortunate experience.

It’s disorienting just looking at the screen with its assault of colors and pop-up boxes and stupid virtual gifts, like teddy bears that you are apparently supposed to send to some stranger online. As if that isn’t punishment enough, there seems to be some kind of moving sidebar listing the birthdays of all of these strangers living who knows where, so I guess on top of the teddy bear you’re also supposed to send a birthday card. To some dude in Helsinki.

And we haven’t even gotten to the feature presentation yet: The singles themselves.

Because except for the rare bird who fills out a profile, all you’ve got to go by is a photo. Sounds shallow, right?

But wait. Not only are you only going by a photo but you aren’t even given a chance to give the guy you are only judging by his photo a chance because positioned right next to him is the photo of the guy whose profile is coming up next. So it is so very easy to click on the word SKIP over the photo of the man you only glanced at and then rejected because you want to quickly get to the next guy whom you also reject to get to the next guy who isn’t as cute as the next guy who isn’t as cute as the next guy who…

Is it any wonder we’re all still single year after year?

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