Headlines In The Purim Issue
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Purim Spoof

Headlines In The Purim Issue

BANNON LAUNCHES WEBSITE FOR ELDERLY RACISTS
Haven for venting to be known as the Alte-Right.

CONTEST: WIN A DATE WITH AZIZ IMSORRY
Includes dinner, dancing, bad breath,
apology, blogging, flogging and flossing.

ROY MOORE OFFERING PRIVATE BAT MITZVAH LESSONS
After loss in Alabama race for Senate, former
judge says “this proves I’m not an anti-Semite”

LIBERAL U.S. JEWS PROTEST AT KOTEL
New group, DiasporaLivesMatter, calls for 3-Day-A-Year services at Western Wall; “It’s all yours the rest of the time,” they tell Chief Rabbis.

TRUMP URGES EMMA LAZARUS TO ‘WRITE A NEW POEM’
“Tell her to send the tired, the poor and muddled asses back where they came from,”President tweets; suggests she consult Fred[erick] Douglass “if she needs help.’

ORTHODOX RABBIS TO ‘TAKE A KNEE’ AT YOM KIPPUR SERVICE
“But not during Hatikvah, just for Alenu,” they explain.

SHOCKING NEWS: VERMONT SENATOR JOINS THE ARMY
Col. Sanders abandons progressive agenda; promotes KFC (Kosher For Conservatives) campaign.

NRA LOBBIES FOR ASSAULT AND PEPPER[SPRAY] KUGEL
Plans to donate millions to kosher caterers who support its cuisine; promotes sleeveless dresses as “the right to bare arms.”

CHIEF RABBI DECRIES CONVERTS AS ‘FAKE JEWS’
“And they’re ‘enemies of the people,’” Rabbi Yura Goy asserts during Brotherhood Week sermon on behalf of Clal Yisrael Fund.

REVEALED: A TRUMP-BIMBO TRYST WITH A TWIST
Las Vegas stripper Lotte Action secretly paid Trump $130,000 to not reveal their affair. “I’m so embarrassed,” she wept. “What kind of a girl do you think I am?”

UN VOTES TO GIVE ABBAS A ‘TIME OUT’ AFTER LATEST TANTRUM
Palestinian leader, refusing to speak to American or Israeli diplomats, must stay in his room in Ramallah until he stops crying, world body insists.

WARSAW PASSES BILL BANNING REFERENCES TO POLISH JOKES
“They were never funny, they were never popular and they never happened,” prime minister proclaims.

Happy Purim! To read the full Purim edition click here.

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