The Jewish Week is always here for you.
We need your support now.
Your contribution will help us bring you vital news
and frequent updates about the impact of COVID-19.
MAGA Jews spurn Purim masks • ‘JewAnon’ conspiracy takes hold • Andrew Yang joins Bobover sect
search

MAGA Jews spurn Purim masks • ‘JewAnon’ conspiracy takes hold • Andrew Yang joins Bobover sect

Warning: Parody ahead.

DOUBLE UP: The Centers for Disease Control has issued COVID-19 protocols for safely celebrating Purim, including wearing two masks. (Jewish Weak)
DOUBLE UP: The Centers for Disease Control has issued COVID-19 protocols for safely celebrating Purim, including wearing two masks. (Jewish Weak)

It’s been a crazy year since last Purim. In fact, some of the news is quite unbelievable. Take a look:

A Queens synagogue is trying to impeach the shul president, saying she instigated a January 2020 stampede in the social hall when she announced a “meat kiddush.”

According to prosecutor and ritual committee chair Shlomo Raskin, “This was not like yelling ‘fire!’ in a crowded theater. This was like yelling ‘meatballs and baby lamb chops’ during Shabbat services, and that’s a hundred times worse.”

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is still upset that Joe Biden took four weeks to call him after becoming president.

“He doesn’t call, he doesn’t write. I guess Mr. Big Shot is too busy,” said Netanyahu. The prime minister also complained that Biden didn’t become a doctor, that he married a non-Jewish girl, and that spends Passover with his kids’ in-laws.

Among other wild conspiracy theories, Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene believes that a California wildfire may have been started by a space laser paid for by the Rothschilds.

Republican colleagues immediately removed her from her committee assignments so she can spend more time on her 2024 presidential campaign.

A new offshoot of the QAnon conspiracy is gaining traction among U.S. Jews.

The QAnon conspiracy alleges that a secret cabal of Satan-worshipping, cannibalistic pedophiles is running a global child sex-trafficking ring.

The JewAnon conspiracy doesn’t believe in any of that, but still wants to know how they can get their hands on a space laser.

Great news for bloated Ashkenazi Jews: Pfizer has come up with a vaccine for lactose intolerance.

Researchers are hopeful that if enough people take the vaccine we will soon achieve curd immunity.

With the pandemic still in full force and many seders likely to be held again on Zoom, the Rabbinic Assembly has relaxed some of the rules for Passover.

For example, you don’t have to burn your hametz, but you do have to remove the cookies from your web browser.

Israel will hold its fourth election in two years while its prime minister remains under indictment.

“What a dysfunctional country!” laughed American Jews, before returning to their computers to doomscroll insurrection news and search in vain for an available Covid vaccine.

The Anti-Denigration League is suing Zoom, saying the mute button is anti-Semitic because it doesn’t let people talk over one another.

In a related story, ADL attorney Seymour Gatkes admitted that he argued the case while wearing a suit jacket, shirt, tie — and pajama bottoms. Unfortunately for Gatkes, the hearing was held in person.

HARD TIMES: White Plains resident Seth Rogane was forced to work a double shift as a Times Square Elmo when he accidentally got off at the wrong stop on the way to a Purim party. (Flickr Commons)

Inspired by the surprise election of Christian minister Raphael Warnock to the United States Senate, rabbis throughout the tri-state area announced they will be running for Senate.

Said Rabbi Evan Maasu of Hoboken: “Isn’t it time New Jersey has a senator who was active in Jewish life in college, is an expert in Judaism, and can deliver an amazing sermon about Tanakh?”

Asked for comment, Sen. Cory Booker said, “Nu? As the Vizhnitzer Rov once said,Volstu gevolt tantsn mit mir?'”

A Brooklyn rabbi reminded followers that their Covid-19 face masks should not contain a mix of wool and linen.

“We must avoid shatnes of breath,” he explained.

“The current pandemic is no laughing matter,” the rabbi stressed. “I can’t even tell you a coronavirus joke because it would take you two weeks to see if you get it.”

A kosher Brooklyn hummus, almond butter and cream cheese maker went out of business during the pandemic. 

“In retrospect, SuperSpreaders was not a great name for our company,” admitted owner Tara Masalatim.

HALF-BAKED: Ellen Kramer-Pitzler, a real estate executive on the Upper West Side, spent most of Tuesday assuring her husband that the hamantaschen he baked were “just fine” even thought they clearly weren’t. “He took up baking during the pandemic as part of his self-care, and I don’t have the heart to tell him he’s not very good at it. It’s all he has at the moment.”

Streaming

Congregation Beth Machsheva in the Bronx is offering livestream Shabbat services featuring instant replay, in case anyone does an impressive hagbah or reads a particularly difficult pasuk and you want to see it again in slow motion. Unfortunately, the rabbi has disabled the fast forward function.

The Institute for Jewish Meditaton and Other Goyishe Nakhes will present a Zoom class on Mindful Yoga, featuring gentle stretches to help reduce stress, Sunday, 11:00 am. At noon, join them for Mindless Yoga, when they will sip scotch and browse Instagram for funny puppy videos.

NotFlicks presents “The Queen’s Gambit: The Queens Gambit,” the sequel to its hit series about a female chess prodigy. In the new season, Donald Trump plays a former president who returns to his childhood home and takes up chess just in case he has to “go away” for a little while.

The Monsey Jewish Film Festival kicks off Sunday with a number of world premieres:

  • Ma’s Lokshen’s Black Bottom”: A faulty blekh ruins Shabbat lunch.
  • One Night in Miami Beach”: Four Jewish icons — Elie Wiesel, Albert Einstein, Golda Meir and Joey Bishop — spend a memorable evening at the Fontainebleau.
  • “Eye Care A Lot”: A Jewish optometrist finds love.
  • “Wonder Woman 5781”: A vegan Jewish superhero battles her nemesis, Shechitah.
  • “The Midnights Guy”: A Talmudic scholar claims to know the answer to the question, “From what time does one recite Shema in the evening?”
  • “Hillbilly Allergy”: A hypochondriac dreads his family’s annual trip to the Appalachians.
  • “Mink”: The 1930s garment business as seen through the eyes of an alcoholic furrier.
  • “Judas and the Black-hatted Messiah”: A young hasid betrays his rebbe.

The Jewish Weak Purim parody was written by Andrew Silow-Carroll, Daniel Levin, Gary Rosenblatt and Meish Goldish.

comments