In honor of Purim, the festive Jewish holiday that celebrates Esther, one of the greatest intermarried Jewish women of all time, I hereby present you with a breaking news story:

Study Reveals New Strategies For Preventing Intermarriage

Jewish researchers are one step closer to finding the long-sought cure for Intermarriage.

A groundbreaking comprehensive study unveiled this week looks at the most common risk factors associated with marrying a gentile and suggests various prevention and treatment strategies.

“While a range of factors, from not enough meaningless Jewish associations to living in the wrong ZIP code to an insufficient dose of Jewish sleep-away camps play a role, we found that the biggest problem is that American Jews are entirely too popular and attractive,” said Steven M. Con, the lead researcher. “Unfortunately, gentiles seem to like us and be willing to marry us. Some of them even want to come to synagogue with us and to share in our holiday celebrations.”

The solution, suggests Con, is twofold: Require all currently intermarried Jews to divorce immediately (failure to comply will result in having their lifetime memberships to Hadassah summarily revoked) and take steps to make single Jews less appealing.

Con’s sweeping report offers numerous recommendations for ways that Jews (by which we, of course, mean only Orthodox-certified-product-of-a-Jewish-womb Jews) can make themselves less appealing to gentiles:

*Reduce frequency of showers and bathing.

*Increase Jewish involvement in traditionally unpopular professions such as lending money, collecting taxes and orchestrating massive Ponzi schemes.

*Pretend to be Muslims. (Of course, the study notes, this could increase the risk of Jews marrying Muslims, so this strategy must be exercised with caution.)

*Circulate seminal works like “The Protocols of the Elders of Zion” to the population at large.

*Re-introduce “JAP” jokes into popular culture.

*Send young American Jews over to Israel for intensive etiquette training. Sample workshops would include: “Why Wait In Line When You Can Push Your Way To The Front?”; “The Customer Is Always Wrong”; and “How To Avoid Being A ‘Freier’ At All Costs.”

*Promote speaking tours featuring Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen.

The American Jewish World Disservice, the National Jewish Outrage Project and the Defamation League announced that they will team up to implement the recommendations.

“If we are successful within a decade no goy in his right mind will want to marry any of us and we’ll have no choice but to marry each other,” Con said.

Happy Purim!

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