TRUMP SHUTS DOWN ELECTORAL COLLEGE

After Trump U. fiasco, president declares “universities, colleges, they’re all rigged.”

HILLARY CLINTON TO JOIN A NUNNERY

“It’s a new form of sisterhood and I will continue my vow of silence. But you can always reach me on e-mail,” she tells friends.

JEWISH GROUPS ANGERED OVER WHITE HOUSE PURIM STATEMENT

Even Mort Klein upset with declaration that holiday marks ‘ancient’ Persian event when wide variety of ethnic minorities’ were saved.

DAY SCHOOL PARENTS HONOR ‘VOUCHER QUEEN’

Betsy (The Boss) cited as Righteous Goy by families of Ahavas Kesef yeshiva and Bais Instincts seminary.

STEVE BANNON TO HOST SEDER

“Why is this alt-right different from all others?” asks White House strategist.

RABBIS TO SPEED UP SABBATH SERVICES

Following Major League Baseball lead, congregants will be granted Intentional Walks to the lobby; speed readers to be hired for Torah portions; spitting, tobacco chewing and crotch adjustments banned.

NYTIMES COLUMNISTS HAVE COLLECTIVE STROKE

Paul Krugman, Charles Blow, David Brooks overdose on Trump bashing.

ORTHODOX GROUP ISSUES LANDMARK REPORT ON WOMEN

OU rabbinic panel permits ‘gals’ to ‘cook, clean and take Israeli dance lessons.’

TRUMP, BIBI MARRIAGE RUMORS ‘PREMATURE’

Admit infatuation, possible engagement, “but, alas, Donald not ready for lasting commitment,” prime minister acknowledges.

TRUMP DENOUNCES JEWISH WEAK: ‘All TRUE,’ he insists.

Editors insist content hilarious satire; readers confused, divided, annoyed.

EL AL CAUGHT IN AIR WARS

Charedi gay man refuses to sit next to men, prefers to be near cockpit.

New Pressure On Jared Kushner

After meeting with Russian ambassador revealed, Democrats urge him to step down as son-in-law.

FLUSH FROM LAST UN VOTE, OBAMA ABSTAINS

Former president breaks relations with former first lady, moves to Ramallah.

JCCs SET UP SPECIAL LINE FOR PHONE-IN THREATS

Would-be bombers urged to be patient if line is busy; each will be handled in turn.

SIGN MAKERS SAY BUSINESS AT ALL-TIME HIGH

Women marchers favor references to cats and kittens; cabbies prefer Hack Lives Matter, dentists drill down on Plaque Lives Matter.

DEMS URGE CONGRESS TO REVIEW ELECTION RESULTS

Schumer hires Price Waterhouse, appoints Steve Harvey to oversee review.

NETANYAHU COALITION PLANS TO ANNEX FIVE TOWNS

Calls for moving embassy to Woodmere; Bennett asserts seven newly-discovered planets part of Ancient Israel.

RECORD FUNDS RAISED TO COMBAT BDS

But Pew finds 97 percent on campus think BDS an underwear brand.