Beit Shemesh, Israel –Security officials here are deeply concerned about an increase in the sales of Ex Lax chocolate laxative in the ultra-Orthodox neighborhood of Ramat Bet Shemesh, suspecting that the community is engaged in a secret program to develop a weapons-grade diaper for use against immodestly dressed women and their supporters.
“It’s flying off the shelves,” says Izzy Stoned, deputy security adviser in the Ministry of Defense. “We cannot allow these fanatics to forge ahead with a dirty diaper program. Can you imagine the impact of a strike that took place, let’s say, three or four hours after Shabbat lunch?”
Israeli intelligence officials, however, indicate that the government still stands by the official position that the haredim stopped such secret work several months ago, reflecting the difficulties of penetrating the haredi wall of secrecy. Nevertheless, the Mossad is focused on suspected fecal enrichment and other programs it plans to monitor more closely. According to Stoned, it’s “technically feasible” that Beit Shemesh could produce a weapons-grade diaper in one or two months if its leaders decide to build it.”
Haredi leaders strongly deny the allegations that they are engaged in any attempt to build the ultimate dirty bomb.
“We just like the taste of Ex Lax chocolate,” said Rabbi Berel Leeable, a haredi leader as he snapped up the remaining boxes in a local supermarket shelf.
“Tell the violators of the Torah to cover their daughter’s arms, legs, neck and that little part above the chin that is very cute, and none of this will be an issue. Incidentally, do you know in what aisle I might find Depends?”