W hen you think unusual and extravagant holiday gifts, the Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalogue automatically comes to mind. In conjunction with the publication of the retailer’s commemorative book, “Over the Top: Fifty Years of Fantasy Gifts from the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book,” JInsider asked comedian Marvin Silbermintz to compile a list of essential fantasy gifts for Chanukah.
with Sandy Koufax
The Greatest (really, the only) Legendary Jewish Baseball Player is available to give yourself, or your Little Leaguer, one-on-one training. And you don’t have to be in his hometown of Brooklyn.
Sandy will come to your doorstep, sign autographs for your entire family and then join you in your backyard for batting practice. After an hour, his senior citizen’s arm will certainly tire out — and you’ll be able to brag you hit a homerun off the champ!
Included are 50 bags of peanuts and 50 hot dogs (Hebrew National).*
*Mr. Koufax is not available on Yom Kippur.
Finally, a Torah that can be read by the elderly members of the congregation. At a massive 12 feet high and 500 feet long (unrolled), it requires four Jews to open and read. Forget about hagbah, though.
Kosher-for-Shabbat Sound System
Now the entire shul can hear the rabbi give his “Shabbos shmooze.” A radical new concept in audio amplification: 12-trained parrots sit inside a specially designed podium/aviary, ready to repeat the rabbi’s every word. The resulting sound is loud enough to be heard throughout the sanctuary — even in the women’s section!
What is more disconcerting than opening a brand-new box of matzah, and finding the contents have shattered in transit – resulting in matzah meal?
And have you been frustrated when you try spreading cream cheese on matzah, only to have it crumble in your hands?
“Unbreakable Matzah” is made from flour, water and Tyvek (the stuff FedEx uses for its envelopes). It won’t break, splinter or crack.*
*If colon blockage occurs, discontinue use.
Phone Call from Jackie Mason
Buy it for someone you hate. Like your ex-husband:
“Hey, Mr. Bigshot. You thought you’d dump Esther and get something better? “I heard she’s dating a doctor. A surgeon. And you’re spending your nights browsing JDate. You’re such a shmendrick.”
JDate: The Boxed Set
Now relive your dating years with this all-inclusive video compilation. Thousands of pleas from desperate middle-aged women and divorced men. Slip in a DVD – and feel better about your life.
When kissed, it responds with a random phrases by The Voice of God*;
“Right back at yah, big fella.”; “What’s new, Jew?”; “C’Mon in – d’jew eat yet?”; “Your hand smells funny. What have you been doing?”.
*Celebrity impersonation by James Earl Jones
A Chanukah Week of Celebrity Lullabies
Doesn’t your child or grandchild deserve the best? Imagine the thrill the precious toddler will have when, each night for a week, he or she is sung to sleep by a legendary Jewish singer — right there, in person, at the bedside. Includes:
NIGHT 1: SIMON OR GARFUNKEL (your choice) – “Sounds of Silence”
NIGHT 2: PETER (but not Paul or Mary) – “Puff the Magic Dragon”
NIGHT 3: THEODORE BIKEL – “Tzena Tzena /Bi Mir Bist Du Shoen /
Tumbalalayka” (medley and more)
NIGHT 4: BARBRA STREISAND – “Don’t Rain on My Parade”
NIGHT 5: ZAC EFRON – “Can I Have This Dance” (“High School Musical Three”)
NIGHT 6: DAVID LEE ROTH – “Just a Gigolo /I Ain’t Got Nobody”
NIGHT 7: AMY WINEHOUSE – “De Vieber Hut Farblunget”
The 8th night is a BONUS NIGHT – you can either request a visit by Bowser of Sha Na Na, or the return of one on the previous singers — at no extra charge!
Marvin Silbermintz is a comedian who wrote Jay Leno’s monologues for 19 years and appeared often as Jay’s rabbi on air. He currently does stand-up, lectures, writes and stars in the Chabad telethon (www.FunnyFromBirth.com).